I Can't Stop the Clock

I know I have written about this before, but I have control issues when it comes to trying to control and plan every detail of my life. I am trying to let go of this as I am continually reminded that’s just not how life works. No amount of planning will ensure that things will go the way I want.

Obviously, I have a lot of room for improvement in this area of my life as I continue to wrestle with the reality that time won’t pause when I want it to, I can’t go back in time and change the decisions I made, and I will never be able to control what will happen tomorrow. As my time as a college student quickly comes to an end, I am filled with a bittersweet feeling of wanting time to stop. 

My current state of confused feelings has led me into a deep well of procrastination that I can’t seem to get out of. Looking at my to-do list and realizing I now have five missing assignments, many of which are pretty lengthy essays or projects, I wonder how I could have let myself get to this point. Now, I am prone to procrastination, don’t get me wrong, but never in my life have I just missed an assignment. My incessant need for academic validation has kept me strong for this long, but in my last month of college, I have decided to get lazy.

Little did my poor professor know that when he asked me how I was enjoying my last few weeks, he would get an entire rant about the feelings I couldn’t seem to understand. In this verbal processing, I realized my procrastination has, without a doubt, stemmed from this false belief that I can control everything in my life. To put it plainly, I now understand that the reason I am not doing my assignments and blatantly missing my deadlines is that I have convinced myself that if I stall and don’t turn my assignments in, then I will somehow be able to pause time and not have to graduate in two weeks. 

As silly as this may sound, it is true. I am so desperate just to slow down the clock that I am deliberately prolonging my assignments. Thankfully, my professor was understanding, and instead of reminding me of what I already knew and telling me I had to get these assignments in, he looked at me and said something to the effect of “All you need to focus on right now is enjoying these last few moments.”

But how can I enjoy this time when I am drowning in overdue assignments and stressing about plans for the future? And that’s when it hit me! As I procrastinate, stress about procrastinating, and stare mindlessly at my assignments, I am setting myself up for a sad last few weeks. Instead of sulking and blaming fear and sadness for my lack of productivity, I need to take control and get things done because at the end of the day not doing assignments won’t stop the clock. 

While I can’t control the passing of time or what will happen tomorrow, I can control how I approach each day. Yes, two weeks isn’t much time to turn things around, but I am determined to make the most of what I have left, and if that means taking control of the bad habits I have developed, then that is what I am going to do. 

So, if you are like me and you have found yourself trying to take control and lose it at the same time, just know you are not alone. You have the ability to change things around and not let feelings of sadness, fear, or anxiety define the end of a season. Control what you can, like getting your homework done on time, then leave the rest to God.